The Bitterness Part of Life

It's just matters of weeks before this year end. It has been months and time fly by without us noticing it. The clock is counting as time left for my internship left only a little while.

When I've started the internship, I thought that I can't last long and I have proofed to myself that I should not let thoughts restricted my passion. Besides job responsibility, a lot of new things that I've learned throughout the internship process.

Life in the outside world is cruel, and the cruelty that gives you experience. I'm the type of person can trust people easily and not easily to get mad at people unless you really make me piss off. Let me tell you more about it.

After two months of internship most of the job I've done was given away to a particular individual(A) who is also close to me. It is like giving your baby away. At the beginning I was so mad and I felt betrayed. Then, I've tried to confront and thing get worse.  Maybe, I'm just over exaggerate for small matters. This incident really bring me down. I became an angry person. There is no longer smile on my face unlike before. I don't want to look at the face and I don't even want to talk to A. I just don't know how can I cope for such betrayal.

When people are angry you don't rub salt into the wound if you want to make things better. Maybe I was mad because there is no effort to mend back the friendship from this particular person. My other friend tried to calm me down by making me thing of the positives side of A. But I become angrier as the my effort seem to mean nothing. Towards the end, I gave up. If A don't want to do anything why must I. From there, I've learned that my friendship means nothing to A. I try to channel my anger by doing distracting myself to other thing.

I've learned not to put trust too much even he or she is your close friend. People can do anything just to be ahead from you. Even your close friend can be jealous of your success.Its not I'm saying that I'm a good person. A true friend will know when you are angry, why you are mad and will understand you for why you are blaming them.

I'm back to reality, it is not a happy ever after fairy tales out there in reality. Anger can harm you and your relationship. Don't keep grunge as it would destruct you. Whatever happens there must be a reason behind it. Love the people who is treat you right and worth to get the touch of your love. Life can be harsh and it depends on you how to cope with it. Till then...

No longer Available

Life at times can cruel. In changing life the process can be either easy or hard depends on the surrounding. Sometimes it can effect your relationships in life no matter what type of relationship it is.

This entry I will be talking about relationship, I'm no longer miss nice or polite that will just close one eye when you are taking advantage. If you tent to be calculative,  I can be either.

I will be happy and wish for your success but just don't forget me. I also need my support. Usually people are like that when they have nothing you are first in the list but when they got all they need you might not be in the list. Its not I'm jealous but its my principal not to finish work half way. I've work my ass off and suddenly you are there just to continue what I've done. How can that be fair? 

I can keep asking myself this question but the answer is all in my hand and head. I have to think straight before I take the next action. Its just no matter who you are in my heart, this miss so called nice no longer a nice person that you can step around.

Why? Oh Why?

Its been a while since my last entry and for this past two months there are a lot of things happen to me. I guess it it is right when people say 'anything can happen in a day'.

I've been sick and still recovering. When I was diagnosed with arthritis, I felt a bit down as I have not enjoyed much yet in my life. When it attacked, I hardly move as all my joints are swollen and I easily get tired. I cannot stand long and walk much anymore. My movement becomes limited my mood is always on mood swing. Sometimes I envy with my friends who can wear heels and have an active lifestyle. My family and close friend keep helping me to look for solutions and thanks to them for all the support.

Time fly by just like that. Now I have started my practical where at the beginning I'm  a bit hesitated but as time goes and I've started to adapt, I begin to like the environment. As I've learn to accept my faith another big test come. Another of my aunt past away. Losing your parents is hard enough and for me it is like happening again and again to me as I grew up with all my aunts. I just hope I can remain my sanity and I don't know how long can hold on.

Why you keep me hangin'on???

My mind said I should forget you and move on but my heart still can't let go of you. You are a precious person that ever stops by at my heart. I guess I should have to tell my heart...

Get out of my life why don't ya? Cause you don't even really love me, you just keep me hangin'on, you keep coming around and play with my heart. Let me get over you just like you've forgotten bout me...I hope one of these day I will be rational enough to let go of you...

Cinta Carca Marba

Dalam kehidupan ini setiap gadis mengimpikan kebahagian dalam hidupnya tetapi bukan semua dapat mengecapi kegembiraan. Baru baru ini pabila sedangku membantu kawanku dengan masalah ceritera cinta yang dihadapinya membuatkan ku menjadi kembali kepada mode cinta dan berkasih sayang.

Yang buat aka tak faham ialah lelaki ade yang suka tapi tak boleh nak mengaku selagi tak pasti, takut komitmen pun satu lagi masalah dan macam macam lagi.Yang perempuan pulak kalau lelaki tu tak make the move akan anggap he does not like me and all sorts of thinking comes to the mind... Yang aku tak faham lagi satu mix signals that guys keep sending confused habis...what are trying to tell us actually. If you alike us tell us, if you like us as friend tell us.

Sahabat baik aku yang sorang ni pelik sikit bukan tak cantik, cantik tapi tegar orangnya bukan senang untuk mengambil hatinya bagi lelaki la. Dia sukar menyukai kaum Adam tapi aku faham kerana kami sedari awal punyai prinsip untuk berjaya dengan kerjaya dulu barulah hal perihal pasangan hidup. Yang aku pening sekarang ramai suka kat dia tapi semua dia tolak dengan baik. Dia lebih prefer to be friend dia kata. Ada yang gentleman enough mengaku ada plak yang main hint-hint ni la yang part kelakar pun ade. Kawan aku ni pulak tak percaya sahabat bertukar menjadi pasangan. But bukan kah ade saying the true soul mate is your best friend.

Kalau anda benar benar sukakan seseorang berterus terang jela itu bagiku buat lelaki lelaki di luar kerana bertepuk sebelah tangan atau tidak hanya akan diketahui after you come clean. Who knows she feels the same way. Dan lagi satu persoalan aku kenapa harus apa yang nak dilupakan yang tak patut diingati kembali bertaut di memori ini? Kenapa sekarang kembali bila hati sudah tertutup? Kenapa tidak awal-awal lagi?

Dalam geng bff aku semua virgin in relationship except one. Hah yang ni lagi sorang couple senyap senyap tak share dah break up baru bagitahu kes ni aku agak marah cikit sebab tak tahu macam mana nak tolong. Seperti yang aku cakap diawal  awal tadi bukan semua berakhir dengan kegembiraan tapi takpe masih ade banyak waktu lagi. Stay strong H we are there right at your back to support you.

Yang lagi sorang ni sangat committed to study takde mase untuk relationship tapi bila terkena pana arjuna cinta dan menyedarinya sudah terlambat. Takpe, kita akan fikirkannya di suatu mase nanti. Mungkin belum masanye lagi.  

Nak admit suka tu bukan senang aku tahu....It is not easy as saying...kami satu geng terlalu ikut prinsip apa yang kami cakap agak susah untuk kami tarik balik...dan bila bercakap kami tak pernah fikirkan of the future... Aku harap kawan-kawan ku takkan menyesal bak kata pepatah 'kerana mulut badan binasa' dalam kes aku ni hati aku yang binasa. Kerana di awal awal persahabatan aku telah meletakkan garis dimana pabila aku mula sedar aku sudah mula menyukai si dia adalah terlambat. Dan hanya jika dia faham apa yang ada dalam isi hati ini. Bukan niat aku untuk kau menjauh tetapi aku berharap kau boleh memahami apa yang tersirat di hati ini. Ego lelaki sangat tinggi tapi bagi perempuan berprinsip sekali dah terucap agak sukar untuk dia melanggar prinsipnya itu.Aku berharap kawan kawan ku tidak melakukan kesilapan yang aku lakukan.

Cinta? Apa itu Cinta? dengan all the mix signals aku sangat confused tapi mungkin ini sebab aku masih belum benar benar membuka hati ini. Aku berharap ceritera cinta aku tak seperti drama dimana pabila semua sudah tidak ada lagi untuknya barulah ia muncul. Aku berharap agar Tuhan memberikan kami semua kegembiraan dan kebahagian di masa akan datang. Mungkin suatu masa nanti aku akan faham tapi buat masa ini, ini hanyalah luahan hati, apa yang ku rasa. 

Yang benar,

H.H

Pemergian yang Terasa

Waktu terus berdetik...masa terus berlalu hari silih berganti namun aku masih lagi tidak dapat menerima pemergianmu. Andai dapat ku putarkan kembali waktu mahu sahaja masa berhenti di saat ketika kau masih disini...

Pemergianmu masih ku ratapi kenangan bersamamu akan ku abadikan dalam hati ini....

TERHENTI DISINI

Sedang aku cuba memahami apa yang tersimpan di dalam fikiranmu kau berubah. Kau semakin jauh pabila aku merasakan kau dekat di hatiku. Mungkin aku telah salah dalam memahami dirimu. Andai saja kau tahu apa yang tersimpan dalam fikiran aku ini.

Music Mode

Where You At

Where were you when i need you the most...I couldn't reach you when I need you the most... You left me all alone in the cold n dark all by myself...Promise is just a promise...

Combat of Life

Its been a while since my last entry...Too much of workloads but I can't really complaint as its just part of our daily life. Sometimes you need to lead whether you like it or not. But leading does not mean you have to be an one women army. This is what I've learn from the past few weeks.

It is not like you are trying to show off what you had but its about saving things from turning into disaster. Its not like I'm complaining but its just the way I feel at the moment.I know people are talking behind my back saying this saying that. Don't you realize what have I done for you? All you have to do is just appreciate it.

It is just like a battle you need to gather your best army but in my case some are lost since the beginning of the combat. How and what am I suppose to do? It felt that I'm all alone fighting in this battle but luckily I have my best army with me without them I might lost the battle. Its just like how an army felt when serving the country but not being appreciated. It saddened me the most to see when someone who you thought you can rely on could not even lend a helping hand.Life is not just about you sometimes it is best to know when to lend a hand to those who are in need.

No matter how or what they think just know that in a battle you need an army that can stand and fight along with you. You can't just be an one army woman or man to win the battle.

Tears of Hope

It is funny a lot of things can happen to me in just one day. I used to be an ambitious person. I know what I want but lately I realize I'm not the same person I used to be. I don't even know who am I anymore.

I lost in state of changes. I felt all alone despite people see me smiling and having fun but deeply I felt all alone. I just don't know what to do. I've trouble people around me enough, they have their own trouble that do not need me to mess up their head.

I've felt being abandoned by the one that is close to me, I got no where to turn to but I tried to be strong and change the way I think. All I need some attention to show that you are care.Must I tell you that. Even how strong I may look, I'm still a normal human being who own a fragile heart. Where did it go wrong? Are you the person that I thought you are? Do you really understand me?

I thought dream is as nice as what I hope for it is. But the truth is, reality is bitter.It had shaken up my faith. I'm too blind that I don't know what is diamond and what is glass. Enough for once for playing my emotion. Why must I have this tears of suffering.Please let me know that you are right  there by my side. For once please try to reach for me. Don't let me tremble in this cruel there.

SORRY???

Sorry? What can it really means to you? Saying sorry is one thing, feeling sorry is another. You can say sorry but your actions will show the truth. You can pretend to be sorry but deeply only you will know how sorry you are.

NEW LEAF FOR JOURNEY OF LIFE

Its been four hours since we've entered the new year. Another leaf of our journey of life to turn to, another to be kept. Happy,sad,funny moments all are to be left behind. Funny sometimes that a lot can happen in just one year.

I've been through a tough year that I don't think I can stand with my two feet anymore. It just weaken me the more I want to stand on my own. I've been crying and crying till one moment where I can't cry anymore.My mind are at a fragile state where everything turns to be sensitive.

One day you are having fun and the next day you lost it just like a shattered glass. Call me drama queen or what ever you want, its just you can't really understand the situation until it really hits you.

What should I do???When you need love the most you are all alone and there is no one to turn to. I felt like I've lost my hope everyone are walking away from my life one by one. Even my family and close friends are far for me to reach, everything turns to be dark to me. It scares me the most to be left all alone. I want to be love and being able to share back my love.

Begging for love is something I cant say it out but deep in my heart I'm begging to be love. Even I smile or look serious, deeply my heart screams to be needed and cherish.

Believing in karma, is it possible because of my attitude and behavior that I just can't get to feel the peace of being love. Maybe its because I think to much that it is eating me deep inside, but again what can I do?

Another year just began and yet, here I've started complaining already,it has just turn into another habit...I should learn to get my focus back and don't let things weakens me. I hope this year I will be able to move on and focus for my future. I hope I will have tons of happy moments to washed out all the wound here in my heart. Things are not always as it seems you know. Only my friends and family can bring me out from this darkness. Hope to have a wonderful and prosperous year with my close ones till then HAPPY NEW YEAR all.